I moved here specifically to start a church.

I moved to “The Drive” specifically because of what I had heard and what I had seen in my visits to this neighbourhood. The people in this area appeared to have a lot more social awareness and care for the community. Since our plan was always to point God out to people we met (as opposed to bring God to them) I thought what a great chance to join in with these people and work together. And perhaps, in some mysterious way, start a church in the process.

But I learned something about myself along the way.

I learned that I wasn’t as socially aware as I thought myself to be. My false self was the most socially active person you had ever met and was very caring for others in all ways possible. Of course my real self never lived up to that expectation.

Sure I did a few things here and there, but my real self could never live up to the hype my false self created. I kind of picture it like someone meeting someone else for the first time after learning about them exclusively from their facebook profile.

I could go off on a tangent and give you all examples of how the perception of Commercial Drive was pretty false as well, but i’ll keep this post personal for now.

If I was to do it over again, I would have done a lot more work on myself. More work figuring out who I truly was and not assume I was the person I posted on my facebook profile. And I would have done that work before I moved here and chose a place to start a church. I think I actually chose the place the represented my ideal self and not who I actually was. (Not that you can’t go to a place with people different from you, but I thought they were the same and they weren’t, hence my dilemma). Even now as my wife and I dream about a business we might want to start one day, I am happy I have begun to do the work on myself. I have begun to see who I really am and know myself.

If you really looked deep into yourself, do you truly know the difference between who you think you are and who you really are?

I am starting to get there…

…and its painful.

I used to be a pastor in this city. I was the pastor of a church I started in a city in which I really knew no one before moving here.

This creates a dilemma…

…most of the friends I made were a part of the church.

Not sure if I am making sense, but I find it hard now to transition back…

…back to friends and not “people I am pastoring.” I am sure they would say they don’t see the issue, but I struggle with it at times.

I feel like I am living in a beautiful city with no friends.

I think this is a dilemma many pastors/ church planters have but do not admit it due to the worry that they might offend someone.

This is only a thought… but it feels real.

Sometimes I think moving to a new city will solve this problem. (no offense)

I am not sure this is a good reason to move.

Mike and Mary Anne finish the job on time but forget to create a way out. The amount of time it would take to get out would put them over time so in essence they failed. All seems to be for not, especially when you think that they will probably never get a job again, when the town comes up with the idea to use the steam shovel as the new furnace in the town hall and allow Mike Mulligan to be the new janitor of the town hall. A sort of evolution, I guess, into a new role and purpose.

I feel much in the same way as Mike. I felt like at one point I was in a role that was relevant and I could really stretch my wings, but somewhere along the line there was no more need of the steam shovels and I could either die slowly, or re-invent myself. Today I feel like I have re-invented myself, even if what I am becoming is not clear yet. But I now ponder that former role I had and wonder its relevance today. I am not sure which metaphor to use here, but we will always need holes; perhaps the way to dig them will continually change and evolve but I am not too sure I know what the new shovel will look like.

But what I am sure is that I still haven’t seen it.

I had been wrestling with the purpose of this blog until I finally walked away from it in April. I was stuck in my thinking that I should write about the church, or should talk about spirituality or I should simply write on it. But by walking away from the blog (and a number of other things) I realized I did not want to write on it, I had nothing to say and it did not need to be kept up. I suppose it’s easier to give up writing when the number of readers are minimal and nobody is waiting on my next thought. But the truth is, everything I write on here becomes public and it might actually be read. And if it might be read then I want to write coherently and be prepared for push back. I wasn’t in that place then, but perhaps I am now.

It may be true that my second son (born in March) had something to do with making it easier to walk away from the blog, but the truth is much of what I believe about the Church, Christianity, and Spirituality has changed. My beliefs have changed quite a bit and I have some fear that my thoughts (that would be exposed in this blog), may actually lead to worry or concern by some of the readers when actually these changes have positively shaped my life, beliefs and my thoughts to date. I am always open to a challenge and a conversation, but I think prior to today I wasn’t as open as I thought, especially when you have an interesting conversation with some of your closest friends and instead of listening and exploring the thought they feel the need to make sure you’re still saved (especially when a thought is a thought and no more).

I didn’t write the above paragraph in order to share with you my new theology. I don’t have one. But what I am hoping to do on this blog is share some new ideas, thoughts and perhaps some real personal life stories that have shaped who I am to date. It is true that I used to be a church planter/ pastor of a church called the open house (website permanently down), but I am not that person that started that group in 2005 (and unofficially ended in 2010). I am a new person and although the church doesn’t meet, I am still highly connected to those people that I call my family.

So who am I right now? I am a father of 2 boys. I am married to a beautiful aquarius spirit who challenges the HELL out of me! I don’t “go” to church right now, but I still consider myself a Christian. I live in Vancouver, BC (for now), I work a normal job (somewhat in engineering) that allows me travel all over BC (I call it island hopping) and I play hockey weekly.

This is a true (all-be-it small) account of me… who are you?

This past Sunday was good for me. I was in a good place. Anna made a great soup and everyone who came brought a bread side and there seemed to be enough for everyone. I appreciated seeing everyone’s face and the fact that I was relaxed and enjoying myself for what it was, was a victory for me. As I reflect on my previous experience I realize how “attached” I was to the experience and specifically everyone else’s experience. I needed others to be happy, thinking that this would make me happy. But to be honest it doesn’t make anyone happy and in fact it just pisses off the people your trying to please.

So here we are gathering, eating and talking. This is quite enough for me. I am not sure what we are, or what we will be, but I don’t care. This is enough for me. Right now. Presence. Enough.

Something has happened to me over the years. I have learned a lot about myself, my motivation and my direction. But today I am a little stuck. I am in new territory. I have come through some larger issues, understandings and realizations only to find myself on the other side not knowing what’s next.

I had a great chat with another church planter friend yesterday, who more than anything else, allowed me to vocalize some of my current thoughts and stresses. It was in this time that I realized that I am officially in unchartered territory and the reason for this is that I no longer have a unifying idea of why I have done this in the first place. You see I have realized that my reason for starting this church in the first place was a “reaction” of sorts. It was a chance to start something originally canadian, and although that still may be true, the truth is I didn’t know what authentically canadian was due in part to a lack of examples and so I instead (perhaps unknowingly) decided to create something “anti” what I knew and struggled against.

I was never vicious, or blatantly against any one style, but instead found motivation from being different. And now I see all the methods, styles, types of churches, groups, gatherings very differently. I find goodness in them all, I find God in all of them and I am not sure if I know now what I am “for” after for so long being sure of what I was against. But today I am quite free from critique, but the funny thing is, this freedom has put me in a peculiar place.

In this video from CTV’s Steven Brunt he suggests that being sure of what we against as a national identity is changing.

And maybe Shane Koyczan said it best in his Opening Ceremony Poem…

“we are choices.”

And perhaps that is where I need to start;

…all over again.

Hey everyone,

We are going to do things a little differently this week and instead of our normal program, we are going to host a little BBQ and potluck at the little nest for friends of ours, people in the community and for us as well.

We are going to have a couple BBQ’s set up outside and welcome people in for a meal and a chance to get to know some of us and for us to get to know our neighbours, as well our friend Matt Mei is going to play some acoustic music for us in the cafe.

So be sure to come out, bring a friend and a dish to share this Sunday January 31 @ 5pm!

Looking forward to it.

————
Hi TOH,

Tonight, a fellow named George joined us at our meeting at the Salvation Army Church. Myself and others were able to listen to his story and I was very moved. His story didn’t include the drugs and the mental illness that affects so many in the downtown Eastside (I’m prepared of course to acknowledge that he could have lied but frankly I don’t care. I listened and my heart went out to him). George’s was noticeably shaken up from having no place to stay and had no desire to remain on the street. His youthfulness and shame for being in this situation stood out to me.

With Derek, Christine, Jem, Andrea and Kyle’s help, we booked him a stay at a hostel for two nights. I went into the hostel to pay for the accommodation. The hostel manager looked over George’s ID and said he couldn’t stay there because he was from Vancouver. The hostel was for international visitors only. He also felt it necessary to mention that people were having their stuff stolen while staying at the hostel. George’s native status, tall stature, and gay mannerism were all of sudden very hard to miss.

I spoke to the man and said that George was someone I trusted. The man didn’t budge. I asked George if he was OK with going elsewhere and he said he was fine with anywhere warm. Meanwhile, the phone rang and distracted the hostel manage. When he finally hung up, he saw us still standing there. Something made him change his mind and he said George could stay. The hostel was so cozy and warm, the thought of going to a downtown Eastside hotel felt scary and overwhelming (not to mention Kyle was on the street in our car that was about to breakdown with a baby that needed to get to bed).

George was given a towel and immediately treated like a normal guest. It was so touching to see George treated like all the other back-packers. You could immediately see that all he wanted to do was dive into a safe warm bed. I hugged him goodbye and gave him a number to call if he needs further help. I know he has family in Edmonton, so I said if you want to go see them, we could find a way to get him a bus ticket. He started to cry and didn’t know what to say. He will let me know what he decides to do on Wednesday of this week.

As I write this, I can feel myself getting pulled all over the place. I want to believe George, I want to forget about him, I want to protect myself from getting burned, and yet I want Christmas to be about the George’s of the world this year. So I can empathize with you if you have some similar emotions as you consider what you’ve just read.

YET, I noticed something different this time after I got home. I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel used or beat up. I didn’t feel jaded by “another downtown Eastside episode”. I knew that somehow all of the open house was behind me. I knew that the money spent for George’s hostel was all payed for by all of us – by project 51. I knew that offering him a bus ticket was something our church would consider using project 51 money for. So in a very profound way, we all payed for George to have a warm bed tonight, we all carried the load, and we all acted. To know and trust that as our lives intersect with real needs, we can confidently be generous and shower people with help and love (knowing project 51 is behind us) makes us a very powerful little church indeed.

love,

Anna
——-

UPDATE: George would like to go back home, so the open house is going to buy him a bus pass back to Edmonton this Wednesday. I hope he can reconnect with his family there and let’s pray for him as he enters this old familiar place.

Nothing to say.

Exhausted.

Recently our church realized something. If we are going to continue operating (budget-wise), we need tithes to increase to $4000 a month from where they are currently as of January 2010. You may ask, “I thought your church had minimal expenses?” Well, we do. The problem is that we give too much away. 51% to be exact.

All, thanks to a conversation with Nick in the Bahamas BTW.

That means our current budget is about $1900 a month. I think that’s reasonable. But you see its not reasonable anymore. We had help, funding and few blessings here and there. But as of January 2010… our outside sources are gone. So we now have to make a choice. We asked for prayer. We asked for ideas. But the truth is I knew this was coming 4 years ago.

And I never really made an effort to change this destination.

Because I knew what was right and I know what God has asked me to do.

I still want to hear the ideas from toh. I still believe God can do big things. But the truth is, He has. It’s done. And he will continue to do it and now He is bringing about a way to enable more progress with our little powerful community called the open house. He is taking our money away. Brilliant. Beautiful. And the money he has given us… we have to give it away too. Amazing.

I knew this was coming 4 years ago. And now it’s time to embrace it. The weight is beginning to lift. The sun is rising. The potential of toh has not even begun to touch the surface.