To say it had been a while since I had last written on this blog is to be generous. I had become so tired of reading, writing or even thinking about the topics normally reserved for this blog (spirituality, church[planting], christianity, culture, etc) that my last few posts had become short blurbs on books I had read. Many of which had little relevance on the topics mentioned above.

I had been wrestling with the purpose of this blog until I finally walked away from it in April. I was stuck in my thinking that I should write about the church, or should talk about spirituality or I should simply write on it. But by walking away from the blog (and a number of other things) I realized I did not want to write on it, I had nothing to say and it did not need to be kept up. I suppose it’s easier to give up writing when the number of readers are minimal and nobody is waiting on my next thought. But the truth is, everything I write on here becomes public and it might actually be read. And if it might be read then I want to write coherently and be prepared for push back. I wasn’t in that place then, but perhaps I am now.

It may be true that my second son (born in March) had something to do with making it easier to walk away from the blog, but the truth is much of what I believe about the Church, Christianity, and Spirituality has changed. My beliefs have changed quite a bit and I have some fear that my thoughts (that would be exposed in this blog), may actually lead to worry or concern by some of the readers when actually these changes have positively shaped my life, beliefs and my thoughts to date. I am always open to a challenge and a conversation, but I think prior to today I wasn’t as open as I thought, especially when you have an interesting conversation with some of your closest friends and instead of listening and exploring the thought they feel the need to make sure you’re still saved (especially when a thought is a thought and no more).

I didn’t write the above paragraph in order to share with you my new theology. I don’t have one. But what I am hoping to do on this blog is share some new ideas, thoughts and perhaps some real personal life stories that have shaped who I am to date. It is true that I used to be a church planter/ pastor of a church called the open house (website permanently down), but I am not that person that started that group in 2005 (and unofficially ended in 2010). I am a new person and although the church doesn’t meet, I am still highly connected to those people that I call my family.

So who am I right now? I am a father of 2 boys. I am married to a beautiful aquarius spirit who challenges the HELL out of me! I don’t “go” to church right now, but I still consider myself a Christian. I live in Vancouver, BC (for now), I work a normal job (somewhat in engineering) that allows me travel all over BC (I call it island hopping) and I play hockey weekly.

This is a true (all-be-it small) account of me… who are you?

The title may be a little dramatic, but it perfectly depicts the feelings you go through during a test like this. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the drama of it all… Get a good mark and you’re in, miss the mark and you’re out. FAIL

FAIL is what I felt after writing my test and pressing the magical button “report scores.” As the score popped up on the screen I read a score that was no where near what “I decided” I needed to get to go to the business school of my choice.

For a moment I thought my life was over. More drama. It was only a moment, but it was a hard one.

I am not sure when on this journey I had forgotten the beautiful challenge of writing a test, or that daring myself to take a step in a new direction would be beneficial to my development as a person. Somewhere I lost the big picture and made my life about the GMAT… the TEST, and not about me. Weird, I know, how we can do things like this to ourselves.

We allow neutral things/ events to have such control over our lives.

Anyway, this was a great step for me. Life is not over and I will not allow the GMAT to depict the direction my life is going… a marker maybe. But not because it is the GMAT, but because it challenged me to pursue life to the fullest and to not be simply happy with the status quo.

Hopefully you can find a “GMAT” to push your limits too.

I am 30 years old. Yes this is not new, in fact I am getting close to 31. And I am about to be a dad. (3 weeks from now). AND its 2009, ridiculous.

So my point is there is a lot of change going on in my life and in light of a post my friend James wrote a while back about determining the direction of his blog, I am beginning to ask myself the same question.

Is there anything you have appreciated about this blog?

Is there any specific topic that you would like me to cover more?

The truth is, I am not going to stop writing, as it is a great restful activity for me, but in light of these changes in my life and my desire to be more streamlined, I wanted to work through perhaps a new direction for this blog.

I was inspired reading jen lemen‘s blog today. Not necessarily because I connect with her writing, but I connect with her passion for stories, her commitment to her writing and her consistency in her stories.

Perhaps this blog will be nothing more than a venting, random space for me, but maybe with a little inspiration it will be give me and perhaps someone some life… I think that’s my hope for this blog… life.

Well, because I am quick to do things before reading instructions, I have ruined my wordpress theme for the next two weeks.

Hopefully this doesn’t effect those of you reading along via RSS.

I hope to post regularly throughout the holiday season as I process much of what has gone on over the past 3 months with the open house.

Stay Tuned.

I can be skeptical with the best of them, in fact I can be quite negative at times towards what I might call ingenerous people. I like to assume how these people and their churches run their “business” and who gets hurt along the way. But I finally saw my assumptions come to life, and man what a lame truth to realize about my assumptions. I mean I never really wanted to be right.

Anyway a good friend of mine is going through it and because of this I hope next time I am wrong.

This has changed how I view these organizations. I am now expecting the best. I am not sure how this will work out but I think all of us should hope for and work toward the best in people and organizations.

Just a thought for today.

I wanted to let everyone know that this week will be a big one for the history of the open house.

On August 19th I am going to be sharing a vision to our church, which will lead us in an entirely new direction. For the past month I have felt a great peace about this direction and feel it is time to introduce it and begin moving in this new direction. Although our leadership team is on board with this new direction, I have felt God saying that unless a certain number of current members agree to move in this direction then we can’t go forward. I love this church and I really need the support of the people to go forward. I am going to ask them to not only agree to the vision, but agree to a greater commitment to the church and each other. We hope to hear from each person by the end of the month.

If you have been part of the open house in some way over the years I welcome you to join us. If you are a current participator I hope you will make this gathering a priority.

I am eventually going to share on this blog this new direction, but not until I have shared it with my church. So please pray and expect an post from me again at the end for the month with more details outlining what had happened.

Thank you all your prayers.

I just want to pass on that I have had new life these past couple months. To go along with this “life” has come a new vision and direction for toh. I am not sure how it will be received, but either way I am alive in ways I haven’t been in a long time. I will pass on my new ideas as soon as toh peeps hear it first.

It’s true that burnt out comes when you lose vision. Well vision also gives life and energy, and I am feeling it now.

more to come…

I think the title is quite strange and to be honest it feels weird to say that statement.

What I mean is, I am not sure if I should be okay long term working a job that doesn’t totally connect with me in order to be able to do something else. My friend Jesse was sharing with me the other day that his musician friends know that they are successful when they no longer have to do a side job to be able to keep playing music, suggesting that they are making enough at their music to no longer need to be paid by another job.

I have taken on the task of being a bi-vocational pastor of my church (that’s a loaded statement and another discussion, which i may have taken on before in this blog, but i digress) and the job I do I do in order to pay the bills and keep doing this church thing. Now I don’t hate my other job, in fact it is very rewarding but I am more in love with idea that I shouldn’t have to do another job in order to do the thing I love.

I am still asking myself the question whether pastoring is the job for me full-time (that also is a discussion for another time and probably one i spoke about in here as well and I know I have talked in great length with nick about), but the truth of the discussion still stands, should we dream that we can work the a job that we love and make a living at it or is that just a pipe dream that i should quickly abandon and believe only happens in movies, and fairy tales and of course to 1 in 1,000,000,000 people. (And BTW I am not simply talking about people who love being engineers and the such, I want to include professional actors, athletes, artists and so on).

I am sure I could be looking in the wrong place, or maybe the job of Pastor is one that should always be done bi-vocationally and then maybe it becomes my hobby? OK, getting back to the point, I want that “job” that fulfills me in all areas of life so that I don’t have to do a job to be able to do something else. Do you hear what I am saying? How do you find that? Is it worth it? Any real life stories?

This was one of the questions I proposed to the open house at our last community forum. What would happened if the open house just stopped gathering all together? And the answers…well some actually said that they would stop going to church all together.

At that moment I had to ask myself the question, whether that was a positive answer or a negative one. And I have to say I found that response filled with truth. Truth of where those toh’rs we at, and truth about the niche we fill as the open house. Sure it would be easy to look at it negatively, but I am choosing not to. But feel free to add some negative thoughts in the comments if you want.

I made mention at the meeting about whether our church should become a website entirely. A space where people post when they gather, post when they want to get together, a space for resources and leave it up to each other to get together. Now that may be a little too loose for some, but I have this crazy feeling that we might need to consider going radical on our concept of gathering.

The truth is our crew is transient, x-y generation, random at best, but “community common” (thanks Randy) and actually does these types of relationships well. So maybe what we need are some rhythms? What I mean by this is perhaps some phases of when toh meets and usually around a type of teaching, experience, service, or need in certain lengths of time. For example, what if we met all together once every 6 weeks for a meal and some worship (whatever that looks like) and then in between we had 6 week rhythms? Say 6 weeks of teaching of a certain book of the bible, or 6 weeks of serving at a local mission, or 6 weeks of absolutely nothing? and each participant is required to come up with how they would like to spend or give to the rhythm? Then we get together for a party at the end of each rhythm..

I doubt I am coming out with anything new here, in fact something in me thinks this is similar to how the Jews gathered before the synagogues were built into the culture. Every certain amount (perhaps 6 weeks) of time there was a feast and a celebration of the lead up time. Similar to Passover, Yom Kippur, and other Jewish feast holidays.

So for now we are still gathering regularly, but I have a feeling some changes might be coming. Perhaps we should get that leadership team together before we make any decisions.

Oh Leadership…thats entirely different type of post.

more to come.

I began a conversation (or maybe a monologue, since this is a blog) about my rethinking of a lot of what I have done, specifically with the church and I thought it was time to write a little more. After spending a weekend with good friends, good food and an all around good time I have had time to think through this a little.

Nick made this comment in my last post (please continue the thoughts in the posts):

“…I sure struggle with this. So much of what I feel called to do, what I see Jesus doing, doesn’t come with security, won’t produce much you can point at, and may not justify my continued funding. I guess what it comes down to is whether or not we trust God. It’s even harder to figure out in a heuristic setting. Have I changed my mind because I gave in or gave up, or have I actually learned and grown into dreaming something better than when I started out? I suppose, when we’re quiet, we know the truth…”

These are great thoughts that are pushing me further.

I recently received a letter from my denomination asking about whether we were willing to “join” the denomination officially. I had to ask myself a few questions about what it means to belong. You see I thought we did belong, I was supported by them, we have been funded by them, they are my family, but it seems that unless we sign this covenant agreement we will always be welcome but on the outside. This was huge for me when I asked the question of our church. The reaction seems to be the same as it was for me. Didn’t we always belong? Can’t you tell that I care? Can’t you see that I am part of the family? Why do we need to agree to some exterior set of beliefs, or sign a card, or promise you something?

For those of you who grew up in church this may seem like a no-brainer, of course you need to join or be a member, it’s part of maturity. But I didn’t grow up in church, and the church that impacted my life never forced me to “join” they always treated me as if i did.

Now this isn’t a conversation about which is right, this about working through what it means to really belong. I have asked myself the question of whether people are on board all the time, and every time i do that I am slammed with how much they are! Why do I continually want some sort of “proof.”

I have spent a lot of time organizing this church, and I wonder if I have spent enough time realizing what/who this church is.

more unfinished thoughts to come…