When I tried to leave at noon to go to work my oldest boy was really sad and wanted me to stay. That hasn’t happened in a long time.

I don’t blame TV, I blame myself.

This is one of those times that I was happy my boy was sad.

Anna continued the trend after I left and when I came home my boy ran to the door and gave me a huge hug and repeated all the creative games we played and wanted to play them again…

Anna said his cup was full…

…so was mine.

I am starting to see how hoarding is a great example of living in the false-self. It is generally the case that people who hoard believe that they will have some need for the stuff that they hold onto. Of course then it ramps up from there.

For myself I am trying to adopt this true-behaviour from Anna. Am I going to use it now or do I use it/ wear it/ need it regularly. Otherwise my false-self is living in my garage, and I do not have time and space for things I am never going to do.

I know that sounds confusing, but let me use a personal example.

Anna and I were talking about fashion, and likely about how I have none and how Anna has trouble helping me out (probably because I find it hard work, yet hers is brilliant and free). I had mentioned how I didn’t want to be “hipster” in my style. Of course only a guy who wears jeans, t-shirts, baseball caps most of the day explains it this way (its called ignorance). Anyway, I said that I didn’t want to end up wearing skinny jeans, skinny shoes and deep V-necks. My body and my self-esteem couldn’t handle the tightness factor, not too mention that I would look ridiculous, in my opinion.

As we dove deeper into my fight against this “style,” and Anna opened me up to this style and its connectedness to your personal body type and personal style and I realized that I actually had a prejudice of sorts to this hipster crowd and certain people I know to be hipsters. I was shocked that truly it wasn’t the clothes but the image and all the stereotypes I had collected about this “group” of people that lead to my fashion dilemma.

So then instead of making the statement, “I am not a hipster” I decided to ask a question of myself, “Do I feel the need to be a hipster?” “Is it true that I will become a hipster (and all its baggage that I have added on to it) if I wear certain clothes?” All of a sudden all this “stuff” came up. Everything from my prejudices, my insecurities, ignorance and expectations on myself.

My false-self believed it was a fashion issue, my real-self revealed to me my prejudices.

Because heaven forbid that I would ever have any problems with anyone (especially us religious types, who usually tend to make it always a God issue and nothing personal).

So what have I concluded on the issue?

My false-self has held me back (in this case the surface topic “style”) in order to uphold a belief that my true-self identified as a preconceived idea about hipsters.

And believe me, there is more where this came from…

…but there will also always be more questions to ask that can move me closer to freedom.

But there are some choices after that day that I sometimes do.

I wonder what University would have been like if I didn’t spend most of my time running a Christian Ministry. And then I wonder where I would be in life if I didn’t go to Seminary for another 3 years. And now I look back and think about a life that didn’t involve 5 years of starting and pastoring a church.

That is about 8 years of full-time commitment to Christian work and another chunk of free time devoted in University.

Sometimes I wonder if I wasted my time. Sometimes I regret it. Sometimes I wonder whether it was worth it.

Seems like a lot of time to devote to something that ultimately I think has almost entirely lost its purpose and in many cases, usefulness… not Christianity, but the work part.

I used to be a pastor in this city. I was the pastor of a church I started in a city in which I really knew no one before moving here.

This creates a dilemma…

…most of the friends I made were a part of the church.

Not sure if I am making sense, but I find it hard now to transition back…

…back to friends and not “people I am pastoring.” I am sure they would say they don’t see the issue, but I struggle with it at times.

I feel like I am living in a beautiful city with no friends.

I think this is a dilemma many pastors/ church planters have but do not admit it due to the worry that they might offend someone.

This is only a thought… but it feels real.

Sometimes I think moving to a new city will solve this problem. (no offense)

I am not sure this is a good reason to move.

Mike and Mary Anne finish the job on time but forget to create a way out. The amount of time it would take to get out would put them over time so in essence they failed. All seems to be for not, especially when you think that they will probably never get a job again, when the town comes up with the idea to use the steam shovel as the new furnace in the town hall and allow Mike Mulligan to be the new janitor of the town hall. A sort of evolution, I guess, into a new role and purpose.

I feel much in the same way as Mike. I felt like at one point I was in a role that was relevant and I could really stretch my wings, but somewhere along the line there was no more need of the steam shovels and I could either die slowly, or re-invent myself. Today I feel like I have re-invented myself, even if what I am becoming is not clear yet. But I now ponder that former role I had and wonder its relevance today. I am not sure which metaphor to use here, but we will always need holes; perhaps the way to dig them will continually change and evolve but I am not too sure I know what the new shovel will look like.

But what I am sure is that I still haven’t seen it.

I had been wrestling with the purpose of this blog until I finally walked away from it in April. I was stuck in my thinking that I should write about the church, or should talk about spirituality or I should simply write on it. But by walking away from the blog (and a number of other things) I realized I did not want to write on it, I had nothing to say and it did not need to be kept up. I suppose it’s easier to give up writing when the number of readers are minimal and nobody is waiting on my next thought. But the truth is, everything I write on here becomes public and it might actually be read. And if it might be read then I want to write coherently and be prepared for push back. I wasn’t in that place then, but perhaps I am now.

It may be true that my second son (born in March) had something to do with making it easier to walk away from the blog, but the truth is much of what I believe about the Church, Christianity, and Spirituality has changed. My beliefs have changed quite a bit and I have some fear that my thoughts (that would be exposed in this blog), may actually lead to worry or concern by some of the readers when actually these changes have positively shaped my life, beliefs and my thoughts to date. I am always open to a challenge and a conversation, but I think prior to today I wasn’t as open as I thought, especially when you have an interesting conversation with some of your closest friends and instead of listening and exploring the thought they feel the need to make sure you’re still saved (especially when a thought is a thought and no more).

I didn’t write the above paragraph in order to share with you my new theology. I don’t have one. But what I am hoping to do on this blog is share some new ideas, thoughts and perhaps some real personal life stories that have shaped who I am to date. It is true that I used to be a church planter/ pastor of a church called the open house (website permanently down), but I am not that person that started that group in 2005 (and unofficially ended in 2010). I am a new person and although the church doesn’t meet, I am still highly connected to those people that I call my family.

So who am I right now? I am a father of 2 boys. I am married to a beautiful aquarius spirit who challenges the HELL out of me! I don’t “go” to church right now, but I still consider myself a Christian. I live in Vancouver, BC (for now), I work a normal job (somewhat in engineering) that allows me travel all over BC (I call it island hopping) and I play hockey weekly.

This is a true (all-be-it small) account of me… who are you?

This past Sunday was good for me. I was in a good place. Anna made a great soup and everyone who came brought a bread side and there seemed to be enough for everyone. I appreciated seeing everyone’s face and the fact that I was relaxed and enjoying myself for what it was, was a victory for me. As I reflect on my previous experience I realize how “attached” I was to the experience and specifically everyone else’s experience. I needed others to be happy, thinking that this would make me happy. But to be honest it doesn’t make anyone happy and in fact it just pisses off the people your trying to please.

So here we are gathering, eating and talking. This is quite enough for me. I am not sure what we are, or what we will be, but I don’t care. This is enough for me. Right now. Presence. Enough.

Most of you know that my sabbatical was a little different than most religious sabbaticals in that I kept working full-time in my “other” job, and I was actually around the community a lot. But perhaps the most powerful gift I received was the gift I gave myself to not add more pressure to myself to “do” and spent more time learning how to “be.”

It begun with week long retreat in Arizona at the Mens Rites of Passage and ended with a good authentic conversation with the Cooper’s in my kitchen after a fun Halloween night with the kids. And in between there was some test writing, working in Victoria, Holiday (x2) in the Okanagan and the announcement that we are having another baby to add to the Martin clan and to keep Jude occupied (due March 2, 2010).

A couple things I learned from my experience as it relates to my role as a pastor/ church planter at the open house:

1. I still have a passion to lead. I missed my role, and know that in some way, shape or form I will need to continue to lead.

2. I have some good friends in Vancouver and I am beginning to enjoy the city more. When your life is dictated by moving to a specific city for a job (in my case start the open house), you can begin to resent the city because of your own issues. By having space from that role and through investigating some alternatives I realize that I do like Vancouver a lot more than I thought, and I realized there are some good people out here who are critical in my development as a person.

3. I have a new passion for spirituality and open inquiry. This is still being developed, but it’s a good thing.

4. I am not interested in church structures. I am not very interested in spending a lot of time researching/ blogging / talking about them. BUT I am very interested in vehicles of communication. I believe the new church structure will be passages of communication, not structure… again more to develop on this as well.

5. I need a flexible community around me. This connects to #4 in a few ways, but basically I need people that are willing to grow and change with the times and not always say “remember when.” As it is said a lot these days, “It is what it is,” let’s move forward and try new things. Going back is not negative in itself, but when it comes out of discouraged or fearful heart, it is not helpful in a flexible/ agile community.

6. On a practical level, religious language is confusing and not very helpful to those not in religious circles. By not being in a religious setting, but still receiving emails, reading blogs and getting tweets from some religious friends I became much more aware of this.

So there are some of my thoughts and discoveries over the past 6 months. Looking forward to connecting with many of you this Sunday.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

FAIL is what I felt after writing my test and pressing the magical button “report scores.” As the score popped up on the screen I read a score that was no where near what “I decided” I needed to get to go to the business school of my choice.

For a moment I thought my life was over. More drama. It was only a moment, but it was a hard one.

I am not sure when on this journey I had forgotten the beautiful challenge of writing a test, or that daring myself to take a step in a new direction would be beneficial to my development as a person. Somewhere I lost the big picture and made my life about the GMAT… the TEST, and not about me. Weird, I know, how we can do things like this to ourselves.

We allow neutral things/ events to have such control over our lives.

Anyway, this was a great step for me. Life is not over and I will not allow the GMAT to depict the direction my life is going… a marker maybe. But not because it is the GMAT, but because it challenged me to pursue life to the fullest and to not be simply happy with the status quo.

Hopefully you can find a “GMAT” to push your limits too.