Something has happened to me over the years. I have learned a lot about myself, my motivation and my direction. But today I am a little stuck. I am in new territory. I have come through some larger issues, understandings and realizations only to find myself on the other side not knowing what’s next.

I had a great chat with another church planter friend yesterday, who more than anything else, allowed me to vocalize some of my current thoughts and stresses. It was in this time that I realized that I am officially in unchartered territory and the reason for this is that I no longer have a unifying idea of why I have done this in the first place. You see I have realized that my reason for starting this church in the first place was a “reaction” of sorts. It was a chance to start something originally canadian, and although that still may be true, the truth is I didn’t know what authentically canadian was due in part to a lack of examples and so I instead (perhaps unknowingly) decided to create something “anti” what I knew and struggled against.

I was never vicious, or blatantly against any one style, but instead found motivation from being different. And now I see all the methods, styles, types of churches, groups, gatherings very differently. I find goodness in them all, I find God in all of them and I am not sure if I know now what I am “for” after for so long being sure of what I was against. But today I am quite free from critique, but the funny thing is, this freedom has put me in a peculiar place.

In this video from CTV’s Steven Brunt he suggests that being sure of what we against as a national identity is changing.

And maybe Shane Koyczan said it best in his Opening Ceremony Poem…

“we are choices.”

And perhaps that is where I need to start;

…all over again.

In terms of my thoughts on becoming a church, some might say that it’s when your church has a certain number of programs, or people, or finally has a building or a regular gathering or money then you can say you are a “Church” and not just a “church plant.” Still I think there are others that hold onto the church plant posture for way too long and it’s probably some insecure way of avoiding failure. I know I have pondered this within myself. As long as I am a church plant, I can’t be expected to do “this or that.” You see what I mean?

But something deep within me has challenged my current church planting posture that involves always creating something and replaced it with a new one. So for next 3 months I am in what I might call a observing posture.

Now does an observing posture mean that we have arrived? By no means. We have not arrived as a church and I doubt we ever will and I mean this in the most encouraging way possible. Knowing that we will never arrive is actually quite comforting, but maturing on the other hand, I like to think we have at least moved in this direction.

I am sure you must be wondering what makes me believe that we have made the jump. Well it’s hard to explain. It can’t be the numbers, unless 15-20 counts. It can’t be the programs, unless one girls group or a mens time at a pub counts. It can’t be a building, unless meeting in a loud coffee shop counts, and since we give away 51% of our money we can’t really afford to look like a real church so I am not sure that counts either.

But for me it’s simple.

I am seeing connectedness. I am seeing people excited to be around each other. I am seeing people step up and try things that may or may not work. I am seeing people honestly share where they are at that might scare most church people and I keep seeing the same people show up over and over again, not just on Sunday’s, but in each others lives. I see a community planning events together and attempting to make a difference in the neighborhood. There is a community that has been created that looks out for each other and I am proud to say that to me that means we have become a church and not a group of random strangers trying to be or act like one.

Lastly, I just want to give one more reason. Of all the things that we are actively doing as a church community I am not officially leading any of them! Sure I speak once in a while on Sunday and help communicate to the group, but I have no official duty for the next 3 months. I see that as a victory and for me a great excitement as I take the next 3 months to observe and report. I’m going to Ob(serve) those actively making a difference practically in their faith and report to the whole church how the open house is for real and slowly but surely earning credibility in the community as church that gives away more than it keeps, as people continue to come and go very much like an open house.

Maybe it’s time to change the tagline. But this missional community is definitely walking in a Jesus direction.

————
Hi TOH,

Tonight, a fellow named George joined us at our meeting at the Salvation Army Church. Myself and others were able to listen to his story and I was very moved. His story didn’t include the drugs and the mental illness that affects so many in the downtown Eastside (I’m prepared of course to acknowledge that he could have lied but frankly I don’t care. I listened and my heart went out to him). George’s was noticeably shaken up from having no place to stay and had no desire to remain on the street. His youthfulness and shame for being in this situation stood out to me.

With Derek, Christine, Jem, Andrea and Kyle’s help, we booked him a stay at a hostel for two nights. I went into the hostel to pay for the accommodation. The hostel manager looked over George’s ID and said he couldn’t stay there because he was from Vancouver. The hostel was for international visitors only. He also felt it necessary to mention that people were having their stuff stolen while staying at the hostel. George’s native status, tall stature, and gay mannerism were all of sudden very hard to miss.

I spoke to the man and said that George was someone I trusted. The man didn’t budge. I asked George if he was OK with going elsewhere and he said he was fine with anywhere warm. Meanwhile, the phone rang and distracted the hostel manage. When he finally hung up, he saw us still standing there. Something made him change his mind and he said George could stay. The hostel was so cozy and warm, the thought of going to a downtown Eastside hotel felt scary and overwhelming (not to mention Kyle was on the street in our car that was about to breakdown with a baby that needed to get to bed).

George was given a towel and immediately treated like a normal guest. It was so touching to see George treated like all the other back-packers. You could immediately see that all he wanted to do was dive into a safe warm bed. I hugged him goodbye and gave him a number to call if he needs further help. I know he has family in Edmonton, so I said if you want to go see them, we could find a way to get him a bus ticket. He started to cry and didn’t know what to say. He will let me know what he decides to do on Wednesday of this week.

As I write this, I can feel myself getting pulled all over the place. I want to believe George, I want to forget about him, I want to protect myself from getting burned, and yet I want Christmas to be about the George’s of the world this year. So I can empathize with you if you have some similar emotions as you consider what you’ve just read.

YET, I noticed something different this time after I got home. I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel used or beat up. I didn’t feel jaded by “another downtown Eastside episode”. I knew that somehow all of the open house was behind me. I knew that the money spent for George’s hostel was all payed for by all of us – by project 51. I knew that offering him a bus ticket was something our church would consider using project 51 money for. So in a very profound way, we all payed for George to have a warm bed tonight, we all carried the load, and we all acted. To know and trust that as our lives intersect with real needs, we can confidently be generous and shower people with help and love (knowing project 51 is behind us) makes us a very powerful little church indeed.

love,

Anna
——-

UPDATE: George would like to go back home, so the open house is going to buy him a bus pass back to Edmonton this Wednesday. I hope he can reconnect with his family there and let’s pray for him as he enters this old familiar place.

Nothing to say.

Exhausted.

Recently our church realized something. If we are going to continue operating (budget-wise), we need tithes to increase to $4000 a month from where they are currently as of January 2010. You may ask, “I thought your church had minimal expenses?” Well, we do. The problem is that we give too much away. 51% to be exact.

All, thanks to a conversation with Nick in the Bahamas BTW.

That means our current budget is about $1900 a month. I think that’s reasonable. But you see its not reasonable anymore. We had help, funding and few blessings here and there. But as of January 2010… our outside sources are gone. So we now have to make a choice. We asked for prayer. We asked for ideas. But the truth is I knew this was coming 4 years ago.

And I never really made an effort to change this destination.

Because I knew what was right and I know what God has asked me to do.

I still want to hear the ideas from toh. I still believe God can do big things. But the truth is, He has. It’s done. And he will continue to do it and now He is bringing about a way to enable more progress with our little powerful community called the open house. He is taking our money away. Brilliant. Beautiful. And the money he has given us… we have to give it away too. Amazing.

I knew this was coming 4 years ago. And now it’s time to embrace it. The weight is beginning to lift. The sun is rising. The potential of toh has not even begun to touch the surface.

It is the first time since the middle of January. That is 3 months.

I used to teach 7 times out of 8 weeks on average. Not anymore. I burned out from that.

I guess you could say that Jude saved my life (my son, not the book). I was running on empty.

But today I am excited. Teaching on Luke 9. I feel nervous, like it’s my first time. And I wonder if anyone will show up. It’s funny. (And there is a Canucks game on). But it doesn’t matter to me, because I am in a good place.

Thank you toh for you care, support and for the time off. I am renewed.

But….

I don’t plan on teaching as often anymore (7/8 is too much). It’s time to share the load. It’s time to explore discipleship. It’s time to know each other. It’s times for Sneezes, Burps and Farts.

So I look forward to seeing everyone. I look forward to sharing a meal. I look forward to sharing communion.

And…

I look forward to hearing more of your voices on Sunday nights.

Here is a picture of what’s been occupying my time over the past 8 weeks.

don’t be fooled…

he’s not always this cute.

It is well known that as Canadians we have to work a lot harder (or more) than our friends to the south since we pay a little more in tax and we pay a little more for pretty much everything just to get to a certain comfort zone (perhaps if we weren’t 10x smaller that wouldn’t be the case, good old supply and demand)… I am already sensing the irony in that statement. Anyway, it is my hope to be in a certain head-space and workspace that allows me to be free to enjoy this moment, and not feel the need to work more just to be happy or comfortable. There is something powerful in comfort versus being comfortable.

In order to do that I believe I need to wind down now before the moment happens. So for the past month I have begun to incorporate more comforts in my life in order to be in the best frame of mind. With a full time job and being a church planter it seems that my time can quickly disappear in a week, and my family could feel the brunt of that. It has been fine for now as Anna and I have a great relationship, but if I don’t address the future I could quickly lose it.

So here are my top 5 comforts I am introducing into my life in order to prepare for baby #1:

1. Playing hockey once a week.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that this has been a passion of mine since I was 4 years old and sometimes I am shocked by how long I actually go before I play a game. Recently a friend brought me out to be a ringer on his team and I haven’t missed a game yet, and I haven’t felt more alive. 4 goals in 5 games helps too

2. Listen to more music that inspires me

This is the weird one. I was a huge punk and ska fan in highschool, but quietly I listened to a lot of alternative early 90′s music and it is these songs of late that have really comforted me. Here is my most recent playlist.

3. I have totally stopped drinking alcohol of any kind.

It has been about 4 months now and I feel terrific. I have created space for myself in this commitment that has brought about a certain peace. There are a number of reasons for this decision and I don’t want to get into them here, but I will say that living (growing up) in a culture that loves its alcohol I have really enjoyed being somewhat counter cultural through this experience.

4. I have tried really hard to become more flexible.

I am very good at time management. And some might say that I am too good and my relationships sometimes are affected by my efficiency. I tend to get ruffled when I don’t complete my goal for the day/hour/week whatever. But I have tried to let this go and be a little more open for spontaneous activity. It has resulted in some great conversations and experiences of life that by sticking to my ridged plan I would have not had. I believe it was Leonard Sweet that said, “I’d rather be prepared than planned.” So I am preparing my life for whatever comes my way.

5. I am taking steps to remove undue stress I put on myself concerning the open house. Taking steps to freedom.

For the next 2 months I am not teaching at toh. I realized (thanks to my lovely wife) that I am burnt out in this area. I am a dry well, and haven’t had a lot to give for some time now and am excited about the time for refreshing. Time to read freely (my good friend Richard Rohr will be hanging with me), spend time with my wife, chill and hang with others, and maybe even slip in an extra nap, which with my intense productivity cycles could be very helpful for me.

So there you have it. I know that when the baby arrives my life will turn upside down, but these are just a few things that I can consistently pursue and help myself towards a sense of freedom in my life and understanding of myself and hopefully (and ultimately) an increased awareness of God’s work in my life.

Anyone else trying to implement some practices into their life?

Anna went first, and as she shared slowly I began to get more and more annoyed. In fact I attempted to interrupt her twice, stopping myself in order to allow her to finish. There was something in me that knew this was right, but my body was not reacting to fondly to the practice. It was almost like my body was fighting itself and the toxicity of good practice mixed with a bad soul was getting the best of me and causing immense anxiety.

I think I have a problem. I don’t think to interrupt is natural. I don’t think that because I felt anxiety I should be allowed to raise the intensity of the conversation.

Listening is good. Having patience, and giving people freedom is good. The toxicity in my body is bad, and I don’t want it in there anymore.

I think this is what God means when he practices and asks us to practice forbearance.

There is ultimately a better reason for withholding. There is a good reason to not say what’s on your mind. Life is not better if we all react as we please. Our forbearance allows us to step back and truly understand the “why” and the “what” of a situation and live in a simple peace.

We are all filled with toxicity that has stemmed out of the “we want it now” mentality of individualism, and I am the worst.

You see I think what people really mean is that they really don’t want to be a part of a real messy community because of how it affects them (the negative ways of course). It is far easier to be alone, or with the people you like and who affirm you, then to put yourself in that awkward place of connecting with people you don’t necessarily know as well, who actually talk about their problems, and may actually ask you if you are doing okay. Heaven forbid that someone inquire with how I am doing. That’s personal!

Perhaps that is more of the peculiar ways we live as Christians. (I appreciate some thoughts my friend Nick posted here from Bruxy Cavey). You see we get together to not simply cause its what we do, but instead to learn from each other, to challenge each other, and celebrate how Jesus actually lives and works in our lives to lead us toward being a community of people for the whole world. It takes humility to be willing to learn from each other, and effort to teach and challenge each other. But what a great place to grow as a human.

Tonight Cato put an amazing communion/ reflective service together that really inspired me. But you know what…It was awkward, I had to do some self awareness checks, and I had to work out some of these ideas with others… But I really wouldn’t have it any other way….

There are some interesting things I am realizing about my neighbourhood. People move here to be socially active and to have more “community.” Problem is, when they move here and realize that being socially active takes time, and that true community takes effort, they end up not getting involved and realizing their closest relationship consists of the barista they order their coffee from before they go and sit on their laptop and check facebook. This burdens me.

I want the open house to be a church that sees needs in the neighbourhood and engages them and puts time into their efforts and gives resources to help them bring hope. I never want to be too busy.

I want the open house to be a church that understands that there are a lot of people who desire real community; community that is messy, yet supportive and hopeful. I never want to stop asking big questions, and being asked the big questions.

There is a lot more that I have learned about real community from being a part of the open house, but today this stays with me. You may not connect with institutions and church services, but if we really asked ourselves, we need connection with real people, asking real questions, experiencing real community.

We canceled it in order to help a young girl move in a new home.

Notice I didn’t say that we canceled church. Church happened, that’s for sure. It happened in two locations, in the rain, with strong arms, a moving truck, and cleaning supplies. I find this community of mine attractive to be around. Nobody bailed when I shared at our gathering (potluck) portion that I felt we should help this girl. All helped out.

Lot’s of changes are coming down the pipe. But something happens when we gather. It is important to make the gathering important. Not because “going to church” is the end, but because something mysterious happens when we gather to worship and celebrate Jesus. Sometimes seeing Jesus in a community move a young girl into a new home is a glimpse of that mystery.

Sometimes I have conversations with people in our community that the one-on-one times and pub nights are still church for them. And to some degree I hear what they are saying. But there is something powerful about the church gathering and then acting together, with purpose.

We gathered together assuming one set of practices and ended up taking part in a bunch of others. May our church never lose our sense of adventure and service.