I have some good goals for my professional life, but I currently do not have the motivation to do them. And I wonder (philosophical question here) if I really do not own these goals, but instead I have false-self goals that are really my ego telling me I have things to do, goals to strive for, in order to let others know that I can do more than work a day job and look after my kids.

Truthfully I am finding hard to do anything these days that doesn’t involve working and hanging with my boys. And although “hanging with my boys” sounds nice, I have been distant in that regard too. Finding myself quick to let Jude watch another video, instead of creating a new game to play with him or utilizing some games that he already has.

It is usually at this point that I might ask the question of what it might take to break out of this funk, but honestly I wonder if it is a false funk. I wonder if I am actually not in a funk, and I really don’t want to accomplish any of those goals. Or maybe I do believe I can accomplish these goals…

…Then again, maybe I fear failure.

Ok this is getting too deep.

I think I liked it better when I needed surface level advise of how to get motivated… but who is kidding who, that will not help it will only suspend the real issues… whatever those issues are.

It’s time to do some work on myself…

When I reflect on this I realize how much time I have wasted thinking about the future or how I have not moved forward because of my fear of the future. How is that I have a complex that believes that “something I can’t know” will cause “this or that” in some time in the future? Where do we get this fear?

Sure, I understand that we have past experiences that cause us to believe that if that same situation arises again the same result will occur, and we fear that result. But, in its purest form, that thought is ridiculous.

You can’t honestly know that.

I am starting to see how hoarding is a great example of living in the false-self. It is generally the case that people who hoard believe that they will have some need for the stuff that they hold onto. Of course then it ramps up from there.

For myself I am trying to adopt this true-behaviour from Anna. Am I going to use it now or do I use it/ wear it/ need it regularly. Otherwise my false-self is living in my garage, and I do not have time and space for things I am never going to do.

I moved here specifically to start a church.

I moved to “The Drive” specifically because of what I had heard and what I had seen in my visits to this neighbourhood. The people in this area appeared to have a lot more social awareness and care for the community. Since our plan was always to point God out to people we met (as opposed to bring God to them) I thought what a great chance to join in with these people and work together. And perhaps, in some mysterious way, start a church in the process.

But I learned something about myself along the way.

I learned that I wasn’t as socially aware as I thought myself to be. My false self was the most socially active person you had ever met and was very caring for others in all ways possible. Of course my real self never lived up to that expectation.

Sure I did a few things here and there, but my real self could never live up to the hype my false self created. I kind of picture it like someone meeting someone else for the first time after learning about them exclusively from their facebook profile.

I could go off on a tangent and give you all examples of how the perception of Commercial Drive was pretty false as well, but i’ll keep this post personal for now.

If I was to do it over again, I would have done a lot more work on myself. More work figuring out who I truly was and not assume I was the person I posted on my facebook profile. And I would have done that work before I moved here and chose a place to start a church. I think I actually chose the place the represented my ideal self and not who I actually was. (Not that you can’t go to a place with people different from you, but I thought they were the same and they weren’t, hence my dilemma). Even now as my wife and I dream about a business we might want to start one day, I am happy I have begun to do the work on myself. I have begun to see who I really am and know myself.

If you really looked deep into yourself, do you truly know the difference between who you think you are and who you really are?

I am starting to get there…

…and its painful.

I used to be a pastor in this city. I was the pastor of a church I started in a city in which I really knew no one before moving here.

This creates a dilemma…

…most of the friends I made were a part of the church.

Not sure if I am making sense, but I find it hard now to transition back…

…back to friends and not “people I am pastoring.” I am sure they would say they don’t see the issue, but I struggle with it at times.

I feel like I am living in a beautiful city with no friends.

I think this is a dilemma many pastors/ church planters have but do not admit it due to the worry that they might offend someone.

This is only a thought… but it feels real.

Sometimes I think moving to a new city will solve this problem. (no offense)

I am not sure this is a good reason to move.

Mike and Mary Anne finish the job on time but forget to create a way out. The amount of time it would take to get out would put them over time so in essence they failed. All seems to be for not, especially when you think that they will probably never get a job again, when the town comes up with the idea to use the steam shovel as the new furnace in the town hall and allow Mike Mulligan to be the new janitor of the town hall. A sort of evolution, I guess, into a new role and purpose.

I feel much in the same way as Mike. I felt like at one point I was in a role that was relevant and I could really stretch my wings, but somewhere along the line there was no more need of the steam shovels and I could either die slowly, or re-invent myself. Today I feel like I have re-invented myself, even if what I am becoming is not clear yet. But I now ponder that former role I had and wonder its relevance today. I am not sure which metaphor to use here, but we will always need holes; perhaps the way to dig them will continually change and evolve but I am not too sure I know what the new shovel will look like.

But what I am sure is that I still haven’t seen it.

I had been wrestling with the purpose of this blog until I finally walked away from it in April. I was stuck in my thinking that I should write about the church, or should talk about spirituality or I should simply write on it. But by walking away from the blog (and a number of other things) I realized I did not want to write on it, I had nothing to say and it did not need to be kept up. I suppose it’s easier to give up writing when the number of readers are minimal and nobody is waiting on my next thought. But the truth is, everything I write on here becomes public and it might actually be read. And if it might be read then I want to write coherently and be prepared for push back. I wasn’t in that place then, but perhaps I am now.

It may be true that my second son (born in March) had something to do with making it easier to walk away from the blog, but the truth is much of what I believe about the Church, Christianity, and Spirituality has changed. My beliefs have changed quite a bit and I have some fear that my thoughts (that would be exposed in this blog), may actually lead to worry or concern by some of the readers when actually these changes have positively shaped my life, beliefs and my thoughts to date. I am always open to a challenge and a conversation, but I think prior to today I wasn’t as open as I thought, especially when you have an interesting conversation with some of your closest friends and instead of listening and exploring the thought they feel the need to make sure you’re still saved (especially when a thought is a thought and no more).

I didn’t write the above paragraph in order to share with you my new theology. I don’t have one. But what I am hoping to do on this blog is share some new ideas, thoughts and perhaps some real personal life stories that have shaped who I am to date. It is true that I used to be a church planter/ pastor of a church called the open house (website permanently down), but I am not that person that started that group in 2005 (and unofficially ended in 2010). I am a new person and although the church doesn’t meet, I am still highly connected to those people that I call my family.

So who am I right now? I am a father of 2 boys. I am married to a beautiful aquarius spirit who challenges the HELL out of me! I don’t “go” to church right now, but I still consider myself a Christian. I live in Vancouver, BC (for now), I work a normal job (somewhat in engineering) that allows me travel all over BC (I call it island hopping) and I play hockey weekly.

This is a true (all-be-it small) account of me… who are you?

All I want to say about this book is that it was inspiring and said a lot of things that not only I have been thinking about, but I know other “doubting Christians” have been thinking for a long time. And even though some might argue that this books encouragement toward questioning and its suggestion of new answers might be “unhealthy” or a threat to Christianity, I believe that this is a hopeful book that makes God bigger than perhaps we have viewed Him as in our current Christian faith circles.

And to those who find this book threatening I would just like to say that it is important for many of us to reflect on how accurate you believe you are concerning your accuracy of your theology. Don’t hear me wrong, I appreciate critical readings, and feel free to read this book critically, but if you read it and if it doesn’t agree with your church or your personal theology try to remember that we are all trying to figure it out and do not have it all together all of the time. To read this with that in mind, might give more life to your reading. I can appreciate those that want to find the “final” answer, but I guess in my mind (right now) that doesn’t seem to be the point.

One thing that I appreciated from Rob’s book that I would like to share here is that Rob looks at the many different views of atonement in Chapter 5 and makes a great point that many of the explanations provided by the writers in the Bible (and thus interpretations from others since) were ways to describe the life eternal and not to point to one final theory. We would do well to embrace more theories in order to expand on the richness of the gospel itself. This in turn makes God bigger to me, not smaller. I think we would all be amazed how many of those theories we embrace even though most evangelical Christians say they only embrace the substitution theory.

I think this is an important book and give 5/5 on my CP scale.

I am working through the concept of doubt these days, and to some may be trending on some dangerous ground, but for me I am beginning to see and feel faith more than I ever have.

As I thought about the quote and although I like the sound of beauty trumping doubt, the thing is if you do not doubt freely without the need to “know” that eventually things will be okay you have never really doubted. Beauty may in fact trump doubt, but doubt must be fully engaged for it to do its work in you and for beauty to rise. And I believe that doubt is a very important part of faith.

Are you able to doubt freely? Or when you doubt, do you say to yourself, “It’s okay that I am questioning my faith, because God is bigger than my doubt.” If you are saying things like this to yourself, then I am sorry to say you are not doubting freely. (Not to sound trite).

I have heard a couple different schools on this (via @peterrollins) that I have found helpful. (I adapted it a little).

Picture a cliff. You are standing at it with questions. Those questions may or may not be answered on the other side. So in order to confront the questions you decide to jump off the cliff.

The person who doubts freely knows that when they jump they might fall for a very long time (perhaps forever), possibly never obtaining the answer. But this freedom allows the person to receive, live in tension and see beauty.

The person that does not allow doubt to freely do its work will still jump, but their jump is reserved in that they have this idea that the ground is only a few feet down from the cliff or they jump with this metaphorical harness knowing that God will catch them and make all questions clear with answers when they jump bringing them back to safety.

I see this mentality a lot. I specifically see it in those with Christian backgrounds that have “left” the church but always speak in terms that suggest they “should really go back.” I feel a sadness for these people. They are in essence stuck in the purgatory of faith. Never really growing and always hanging on to something that in practice has never truly worked for them, because if it did they wouldn’t speak in these terms. I think in some variation of this idea this is where I sit.

I see issues in both the hard and fast believer (reject all doubt as a way of belief) as well as in the hard and fast doubter (never trusting the beauty that could trump the doubt), but I won’t get into that now.

So I ask you, are you able to doubt freely?

Here are a couple comments from a person who is tired and reading the bible a little differently these days… but I hesitate to say that I am adding anything new. This is from James 1:2-8. I have been facing some trials, so it seemed fitting.

James 1:2-3: Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

I think when I read “perseverance” I used to think it meant “no matter what anyone says against what I believe don’t back down.” Almost like a good Tom Petty song. But instead I see this saying that challenges are good and it’s important to be challenged. In fact I encourage you to read counter opinions of your beliefs and experience them. It is those experiences that allow you to truly know that you know.

James 1:4: Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

And it’s this statement that needs to be included for my point to be complete itself. Almost like you have to let the challenge sink in.

James 1:5: If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

What I love about this statement is that James doesn’t let up. He first says let the trials come, then he encourages us to work them out. Not run. Not believe blindly. But gain access to wisdom so that you know that you know. Brilliant! And God won’t fault you for working it out. In fact he applauds you.

James 1:6-8: But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

This just gets so good. James looks you in the eye and says, “guess what there is an answer.” Don’t give up and walk away. You must believe the answer is real and available and not just give it a “ho hum” and go back to believing what you have already believed. You must fight through and work it out. This is not good doubt, this is lazy doubt. Lazy doubt says “ah the answer is too hard, I’m going to just believe what I have been told all my life.”

So don’t just blindly believe. Challenge and grow so that you know what you know.

Version 1.0 of Sleepless Theology.