I did not come to destroy but to be a responsible version of myself.
I may not have said those exact words but that was the sentiment that I was trying to get across to a church planter I met with this morning.
It’s such an interesting place to be when you are faced with your past in a weird sort of way and you can see it all so clearly. It’s the opposite of what I generally see in film, where the main character tends to not learn from their mistakes but instead is doomed to repeat them. But I guess this situation is also different in that I am not given a chance to enter into church planting again, but instead I am gifted with a conversation that brings up pain as well as joy and provides me with a real choice of simply whether to be involved with a Christian community. And maybe that is my dilemma?
Am I doomed to repeat that mistake?
I always leave these conversations with a lot of joy and excitement about the future. But without sounding too dramatic I do need to take a step back. I’ve changed. A lot. And I wonder how my change would be accepted in a Christian environment. What I do know is that I need to be in a place where I am free to be who God has created me to be and in some sense who he has morphed me into. And that’s where I want to be sensitive to a church (especially a new church) and their hopes and dreams for the future. I, and I am sure they, don’t need someone coming in and spouting off differing and challenging ideas to their people during such a sensitive time in their development.
So here I am in a state of waiting. I want to responsible with my ideas and with my excitement.
Waiting to know and desire Christian community again.
Not to destroy but to create.