Yesterday I spent the morning with the boys, while Anna took some time off to write. For 4 hours we wrestled, made breakfast, built a tower with lego (also called a volcano), threw toys at each other, carved a pumpkin, read books and played in the dark with a glow stick.

When I tried to leave at noon to go to work my oldest boy was really sad and wanted me to stay. That hasn’t happened in a long time.

I don’t blame TV, I blame myself.

This is one of those times that I was happy my boy was sad.

Anna continued the trend after I left and when I came home my boy ran to the door and gave me a huge hug and repeated all the creative games we played and wanted to play them again…

Anna said his cup was full…

…so was mine.

I sometimes wonder if I deceive myself.

I have some good goals for my professional life, but I currently do not have the motivation to do them. And I wonder (philosophical question here) if I really do not own these goals, but instead I have false-self goals that are really my ego telling me I have things to do, goals to strive for, in order to let others know that I can do more than work a day job and look after my kids.

Truthfully I am finding hard to do anything these days that doesn’t involve working and hanging with my boys. And although “hanging with my boys” sounds nice, I have been distant in that regard too. Finding myself quick to let Jude watch another video, instead of creating a new game to play with him or utilizing some games that he already has.

It is usually at this point that I might ask the question of what it might take to break out of this funk, but honestly I wonder if it is a false funk. I wonder if I am actually not in a funk, and I really don’t want to accomplish any of those goals. Or maybe I do believe I can accomplish these goals…

…Then again, maybe I fear failure.

Ok this is getting too deep.

I think I liked it better when I needed surface level advise of how to get motivated… but who is kidding who, that will not help it will only suspend the real issues… whatever those issues are.

It’s time to do some work on myself…