Can you remind me when I became a pastor again?
No one prepares you for this.
You think that you are just some guy, with friends starting a community that will hopefully impact your neighbourhood with some exciting Jesus type action and then it happens. Someone treats you like you’re their pastor. I always new that if I was going to start this community I should have “pastor” type gifts, but to be honest I don’t think I ever embraced the idea of actually being a pastor. Pastor’s are guys who speak Sunday morning, and perform weddings and funerals, and have a building on the corner of the street; I wasn’t one.
I still remember when I first “became” a pastor. It was one night after one of our gatherings at my house when my immaturity got me in trouble and when a person I was speaking with told me that she couldn’t believe that a pastor would say such a thing and stormed out of the room in disgust. I was floored. Shortly after, more of my “personality” traits got me into more trouble and then it hit me. I was now a pastor.
A pastor? Me? What happened?
This wasn’t good and as I look back am not sure if I will ever recover.
The first thing that made me realize I was a pastor is that I no longer had the same rules. I couldn’t make the same jokes, I couldn’t go to the same places, I couldn’t hang with the same people (without leaving out others) and my public profile became plastered everywhere. (At least to me). I couldn’t just be a guy working things out with everyone, I was a pastor who should “know better.”
This may have been the death of my journey in some regards. I am in a better place now, but the ministry depression I went through prior to and a good time after my stellar trip to the Bahamas to Soularize in October 2007 was quite painful and I think it’s only now that I understand why.
The truth is, if you want to journey together with your church, make mistakes openly, and just be “one of the boys” don’t pastor. Unless you like being at the top, partially transparent, or are an elder and have been through enough to be able to navigate through the waters, don’t pastor.
I’ve seen people leave because of me. This might be my ego, but they told me so.
I never signed up for this. Then again, maybe I did? Maybe this is the natural progression for all church planters; of course I think most of the others knew this would happen… I’m not sure i did.
I am a recovering pastor right now. And to be honest… I don’t want to be one. I want to journey openly and suggest some “sketchy” ideas, and explore the world (not needing to show up every Sunday). I need to re-define the term. Or perhaps bring its original meaning back… a gift as opposed to a position.
(I love that I can write this. I love that my church will read it and be encouraging.)
Now how do I actually live this out and not continue down the same road?
Sometimes I don’t think I will ever be able to.
Tags: church, pastor, the open house, Vancouver
i can’t believe a pastor would write such a thing!!!!
just kidding.
Wow. Well said. Goodgood thoughts. Thanks.
… keep pressing on Kyle. i hope there’s a new understanding around the corner ( okay, maybe a few corners ) that will de-expectationalize the role/position in favour of the gifting/posture/presence thing. odd part is that it is the church people who put this on “pastors” … yah, there’s some complicity from some pastors ( probably more than i care to admit ) but our experience is the new people to faith, on the journey, whatever are not the ones who load us up with expectations ( raised and/or dashed ). in fact they expect ( there’s that word again ) us to be normal, otherwise they wouldn’t be hanging out with us. rather a strange clash of worldviews … you’re not the first to tangle with this … i am resisting mentioning a 1st century rabbi who caught some flack about his choice of friends, environments, priorities.
Great post. Paul seems to have been frustrated by expectations on leaders in much the same way when he was sticking up for himself to the Galatians in the first two chapters, writing stuff like I work only to please God and not people, and Their reputation as great leaders made no difference to me, for God has no favorites.
I have to admit I am a little surprised by this post. Perhaps it is because of the stereotypical pastor you painted at the beginning while alluding to the fact that this may not be what the true meaning of the word when put into the context of the early church. You always seem to lean to the latter so is your struggle with the expectations that come with the stereotypical definition of the title? Or is it really with the gift being a title at all?
I think you pastored (if it can be a verb) me in perhaps “unconventional” ways. I attribute much of my early spiritual growth to you (or God working through you if anyone reading this is a stickler for theological accuracy). So in many ways I consider you a pastor. Perhaps it is the gift of shepherding / pastoring, and yet it may be your transparent walk with Jesus that allowed you to be a conduit of God’s character and love in my life. I think it’s both. You cared about me and desired to see me know Jesus and live more like Him, and so you did what you could to foster that growth. At the same time you did this by allowing me to see your own struggles and your own journey. You modeled it through your own life.
However you have always, first and foremost, been a friend.
The truth is Alastair, what I have in my head as to what a church, pastor, leader, etc. is like, is a lot different than I was taught. I came out to Vancouver with a number of ideals, but at the end of the day I measured everything by what I was taught in Seminary. This is a problem.
So whether it’s a model you have for starting a church or the philosophy of how it might “be”, there are going to be a lot of things that will always be compared to “the way you were taught.”
I feel as though I am in that place right now. In the middle. I finally realized that for 4 years I was planting a church with a philosophy that was outside my education (both institutionally and experience), yet I was using those places as measuring sticks. I read and read people that encouraged my “methods” but kept getting worn out by old wineskins that i was using to measure by.
So now I am trying to figure it out all over again and its going to be messy as I remove old ways (without cursing them), so that we (and I) can move forward as the open house.
Alastair. Thank you for your kind words. It is experiences I had with you that help me remember why I did this in the first place, and help this move this process forward as I remember.
Kyle,
Thank you for clarifying. Where you’re at makes a lot more sense to me now. I wish I could walk through this with you but for now I suppose the internet will suffice. I will continue to keep you, along with the openhouse, in my prayers as you move forward.
Hi Kyle:
I found out that anyone who shepherds and leads is considered a pastor. I, an unordained woman who is shepherding children is thus considered to be a pastor, and this has unnerved a lot of people in my congregation. I don’t know if it is the fact I am a woman, or the fact I am not ordained.
But anyhow, I applaud you for being authentic. It is hard because people don’t like it when you are trying to be yourself. They like you to be the person they think you should. I remembered when I was going through a very painful time in my life, I expressed openly my feelings and that got me into trouble. The person told me that I cannot say things like that because I am a pastor. Huh? Well, you know what? Pastors are just ordinary people doing what God asks them to do, and if you cut them open, they will bleed like anyone else. ( I should know, because I work with a few of them)
Dear brother, be proud of who you are in Christ, “What you see is what you get.” We might not be perfect, but Jesus loves us with warts and all, and He is using us in spite of that. Isn’t that wonderful? To know that Jesus loves us regardless!!
One book I recommend, “The unnecessary pastor” by Eugene Peterson. Jem’s dad just loved this book. I think I might have a copy kicking around.
Take care.
Joan,
Thank you for your words. I have been praying a lot that God might give me a vision for what a pastor could look like in this day and age and it is slowly taking shape. I really appreciate your honesty and I am excited about what is being revealed to me at this time.
We are making some changes at the open house that I am excited about, but it will take time to see it to fruition. Please continue to pray for us… and I personally like those prayers as well.