I read both these books last week.

Loved Rollins work, and I always do. Brilliant stuff. Incredible thoughts about God as a Machine. Ask me about it sometime.

Pagitt, well let’s just say his writings were for a different time of my life. Not a bad book. But not for me right now.

Only 7 more to go. It should happen this year as Anna and I are having a competition.

Yesterday I spent the morning with the boys, while Anna took some time off to write. For 4 hours we wrestled, made breakfast, built a tower with lego (also called a volcano), threw toys at each other, carved a pumpkin, read books and played in the dark with a glow stick.

When I tried to leave at noon to go to work my oldest boy was really sad and wanted me to stay. That hasn’t happened in a long time.

I don’t blame TV, I blame myself.

This is one of those times that I was happy my boy was sad.

Anna continued the trend after I left and when I came home my boy ran to the door and gave me a huge hug and repeated all the creative games we played and wanted to play them again…

Anna said his cup was full…

…so was mine.

I sometimes wonder if I deceive myself.

I have some good goals for my professional life, but I currently do not have the motivation to do them. And I wonder (philosophical question here) if I really do not own these goals, but instead I have false-self goals that are really my ego telling me I have things to do, goals to strive for, in order to let others know that I can do more than work a day job and look after my kids.

Truthfully I am finding hard to do anything these days that doesn’t involve working and hanging with my boys. And although “hanging with my boys” sounds nice, I have been distant in that regard too. Finding myself quick to let Jude watch another video, instead of creating a new game to play with him or utilizing some games that he already has.

It is usually at this point that I might ask the question of what it might take to break out of this funk, but honestly I wonder if it is a false funk. I wonder if I am actually not in a funk, and I really don’t want to accomplish any of those goals. Or maybe I do believe I can accomplish these goals…

…Then again, maybe I fear failure.

Ok this is getting too deep.

I think I liked it better when I needed surface level advise of how to get motivated… but who is kidding who, that will not help it will only suspend the real issues… whatever those issues are.

It’s time to do some work on myself…

I have been thinking a lot lately about what you can really know, and what you think you can know. A good example of this is the Present and Future. You can know what you are doing, feeling, seeing at that moment, but you can’t predict what you will be doing, feeling, seeing in a moment in the future. You will be able to know at that moment, but just because you will know, doesn’t mean you do know what it will be.

When I reflect on this I realize how much time I have wasted thinking about the future or how I have not moved forward because of my fear of the future. How is that I have a complex that believes that “something I can’t know” will cause “this or that” in some time in the future? Where do we get this fear?

Sure, I understand that we have past experiences that cause us to believe that if that same situation arises again the same result will occur, and we fear that result. But, in its purest form, that thought is ridiculous.

You can’t honestly know that.

Anna has been spending a good amount of time purging our house and garage. In fact she has been purging regularly for years now. The truth that keeps her going is that any thing we are holding on to because we “think” we are going to “wear it,” “do it” or “get to it” is likely false, and if it becomes true we can always buy it or get it again later. It is not worth holding on to just to see if you true-self makes the decision to honour your false selfs ideals. Does that make sense?

I am starting to see how hoarding is a great example of living in the false-self. It is generally the case that people who hoard believe that they will have some need for the stuff that they hold onto. Of course then it ramps up from there.

For myself I am trying to adopt this true-behaviour from Anna. Am I going to use it now or do I use it/ wear it/ need it regularly. Otherwise my false-self is living in my garage, and I do not have time and space for things I am never going to do.

I am finding that the best way to identify the false-self is to “reverse-question” yourself.

I know that sounds confusing, but let me use a personal example.

Anna and I were talking about fashion, and likely about how I have none and how Anna has trouble helping me out (probably because I find it hard work, yet hers is brilliant and free). I had mentioned how I didn’t want to be “hipster” in my style. Of course only a guy who wears jeans, t-shirts, baseball caps most of the day explains it this way (its called ignorance). Anyway, I said that I didn’t want to end up wearing skinny jeans, skinny shoes and deep V-necks. My body and my self-esteem couldn’t handle the tightness factor, not too mention that I would look ridiculous, in my opinion.

As we dove deeper into my fight against this “style,” and Anna opened me up to this style and its connectedness to your personal body type and personal style and I realized that I actually had a prejudice of sorts to this hipster crowd and certain people I know to be hipsters. I was shocked that truly it wasn’t the clothes but the image and all the stereotypes I had collected about this “group” of people that lead to my fashion dilemma.

So then instead of making the statement, “I am not a hipster” I decided to ask a question of myself, “Do I feel the need to be a hipster?” “Is it true that I will become a hipster (and all its baggage that I have added on to it) if I wear certain clothes?” All of a sudden all this “stuff” came up. Everything from my prejudices, my insecurities, ignorance and expectations on myself.

My false-self believed it was a fashion issue, my real-self revealed to me my prejudices.

Because heaven forbid that I would ever have any problems with anyone (especially us religious types, who usually tend to make it always a God issue and nothing personal).

So what have I concluded on the issue?

My false-self has held me back (in this case the surface topic “style”) in order to uphold a belief that my true-self identified as a preconceived idea about hipsters.

And believe me, there is more where this came from…

…but there will also always be more questions to ask that can move me closer to freedom.

In 2005 I moved to Commercial Drive.

I moved here specifically to start a church.

I moved to “The Drive” specifically because of what I had heard and what I had seen in my visits to this neighbourhood. The people in this area appeared to have a lot more social awareness and care for the community. Since our plan was always to point God out to people we met (as opposed to bring God to them) I thought what a great chance to join in with these people and work together. And perhaps, in some mysterious way, start a church in the process.

But I learned something about myself along the way.

I learned that I wasn’t as socially aware as I thought myself to be. My false self was the most socially active person you had ever met and was very caring for others in all ways possible. Of course my real self never lived up to that expectation.

Sure I did a few things here and there, but my real self could never live up to the hype my false self created. I kind of picture it like someone meeting someone else for the first time after learning about them exclusively from their facebook profile.

I could go off on a tangent and give you all examples of how the perception of Commercial Drive was pretty false as well, but i’ll keep this post personal for now.

If I was to do it over again, I would have done a lot more work on myself. More work figuring out who I truly was and not assume I was the person I posted on my facebook profile. And I would have done that work before I moved here and chose a place to start a church. I think I actually chose the place the represented my ideal self and not who I actually was. (Not that you can’t go to a place with people different from you, but I thought they were the same and they weren’t, hence my dilemma). Even now as my wife and I dream about a business we might want to start one day, I am happy I have begun to do the work on myself. I have begun to see who I really am and know myself.

If you really looked deep into yourself, do you truly know the difference between who you think you are and who you really are?

I am starting to get there…

…and its painful.

I became a Christian when I was 18. A choice I will never regret.

But there are some choices after that day that I sometimes do.

I wonder what University would have been like if I didn’t spend most of my time running a Christian Ministry. And then I wonder where I would be in life if I didn’t go to Seminary for another 3 years. And now I look back and think about a life that didn’t involve 5 years of starting and pastoring a church.

That is about 8 years of full-time commitment to Christian work and another chunk of free time devoted in University.

Sometimes I wonder if I wasted my time. Sometimes I regret it. Sometimes I wonder whether it was worth it.

Seems like a lot of time to devote to something that ultimately I think has almost entirely lost its purpose and in many cases, usefulness… not Christianity, but the work part.

I live in Vancouver. It’s a beautiful city.

I used to be a pastor in this city. I was the pastor of a church I started in a city in which I really knew no one before moving here.

This creates a dilemma…

…most of the friends I made were a part of the church.

Not sure if I am making sense, but I find it hard now to transition back…

…back to friends and not “people I am pastoring.” I am sure they would say they don’t see the issue, but I struggle with it at times.

I feel like I am living in a beautiful city with no friends.

I think this is a dilemma many pastors/ church planters have but do not admit it due to the worry that they might offend someone.

This is only a thought… but it feels real.

Sometimes I think moving to a new city will solve this problem. (no offense)

I am not sure this is a good reason to move.

I read a book most nights with my son before bed called Mike Mulligan and his Steam Shovel. The book is about a man and his steam shovel named Mary Anne who are losing work due to the new gasoline shovels that have entered the work force. In order to prove that they should be given the work of the more advanced shovels they go to a small town and promise to dig as fast in one day as 100 men could dig in a week or the town won’t have to pay for their work digging out the basement of the new town hall. The town takes them to task and they begin digging. As you can guess the childrens book does a good job of describing the hard work of Mike and Mary Anna throughout the day. People continually get behind them, cheering them on. There are few that want them to fail as well (hence no payment), but the majority are quite supportive. We always seem to want the underdog to win.

Mike and Mary Anne finish the job on time but forget to create a way out. The amount of time it would take to get out would put them over time so in essence they failed. All seems to be for not, especially when you think that they will probably never get a job again, when the town comes up with the idea to use the steam shovel as the new furnace in the town hall and allow Mike Mulligan to be the new janitor of the town hall. A sort of evolution, I guess, into a new role and purpose.

I feel much in the same way as Mike. I felt like at one point I was in a role that was relevant and I could really stretch my wings, but somewhere along the line there was no more need of the steam shovels and I could either die slowly, or re-invent myself. Today I feel like I have re-invented myself, even if what I am becoming is not clear yet. But I now ponder that former role I had and wonder its relevance today. I am not sure which metaphor to use here, but we will always need holes; perhaps the way to dig them will continually change and evolve but I am not too sure I know what the new shovel will look like.

But what I am sure is that I still haven’t seen it.